It's a reason, not an excuse.

I find myself saying this a lot, "It's a reason, not an excuse.".  Usually following comments arguing against diagnosis, or against diagnosis disclosure (telling the individual or others about the diagnosis).  Some argue that the person with a diagnosis of a 'disability' will let it shape them into a lazy or rude person.  Like the label will give them an excuse not to try.  Worse still, I heard it actually used as a reason not to help.  That parents or teachers may look the other way when behaviour is less than appropriate because the child has an 'excuse'.  OR it's used as an identifying marker in the media to explain or excuse inappropriate behaviour either by the individual or others. Grumble. That one really ticks me off - it gives the whole community a bad name and, makes those who don't have much personal experience, wary of all people on the spectrum. 
This really rubs me up the wrong way.  Autism is NOT an excuse.  Autism is a REASON.  A reason why things might be difficult for that person.  A reason to explain things a little differently, in a language they understand.  A reason to provide support differently, perhaps, than you would need yourself.  A reason to accept the unusual as the norm.  A reason to learn more about yourself and the people around you.  A reason to try.  We can do better than that, right?
Let me say that again.  Autism is a reason to try, not an excuse not to try. 
I do understand why we naturally lean towards the excuse view.  It's much easier to say "Oh, he's just like that.  You can't blame him, he's Autistic." than to say "I'm sorry, we're working on taking turns in conversation.  - Honey, I think you've used your word limit for this turn.  Why not let someone else have a go and listen for an appropriate place to respond?".  Obviously this is a lot more work.  I don't think anyone WANTS to work at this.  I certainly don't work at it all day every day, and I make no apologies for that - I cannot be ON all the time any more than I can expect them to be ON all the time.  And it is much more work for them than it is for me.  Even if we can't see it, I promise you, I believe it is much much harder on them than it is for me.  Hard, but worth it.
You see, it would also be easier for them if I let them just carry on however they want, IN THE MOMENT.  However, I don't believe this is right or fair in the long run.
I invite you to think for a while about your goals.  As an individual as well as your role in the life of your Aspie.  And then, think about your goals for your Aspie (mostly if they're your child). 
For Example:
It is my goal, as a mother, to raise my children to be good adults. That they may grow to be as self reliant as possible and to be able to move out and live their own lives, so that I may enjoy my life in the ways I wish both now and in the future.
Knowing this, I can focus my energy on teaching them and supporting them to be all the things I would expect of them regardless of their diagnosis.  Again, the diagnosis is a reason to do things differently, not an excuse not to do them at all.
Your goals might be different than mine.  That's ok.  But until you know what you want, how can you expect to get even close to that goal?
Maybe you want to start with smaller goals? It can be really hard to think about life years from now when you don't even know how to get to the end of the day or even the end of this meltdown (it will end).  When you're in the midst of hell, it is totally ok to just deal with the situation at hand, however you can.  But, if you can muster the strength to focus on your goals in those hard moments, it will get easier.  There have been (many) times when I've been so exhausted and run out of fucks to give that I just walk away from a melting child and cry, or just try to switch myself off, to go numb because I cannot deal with it anymore.  Almost daily I hear myself scream "Oh my god would you stop yelling!!!!", despite the fact that I'm clearly doing the very thing I've asked them not to do.  I have ignored the behaviour I so wish to restrict or eliminate because I just don't have the energy to deal with it right now. I have gone against my better judgement for the sake of more immediate peace.  To this I remind myself, "Pick your battles".  I need to be kind to myself.  We all do.
It's not just about my goals though, they're important - but not everything.  It's about giving them the tools they need to thrive (not just survive) in the world in which they live.
While our Aspie's are not broken, they are different than many of the people this world has been designed for.  We can change their environment of course.  We can change the lighting, to noises, the clothes.  We can change their school, the people we allow into our homes, the food we feed them, our expectations of them, the way we communicate. We can change almost anything we want, but we can't change everything.  Moreover, we shouldn't change everything. What we can and should be doing is helping them identify where and how they struggle, and helping them find ways to navigate around or through the issues instead of hiding from them. 
Huh, that kinda sounds like 'normal' parenting right? Well, yeah.  It is.  Something I (and countless others) have noticed is that the tools and ideas that help our Aspies, help everyone.  The only difference is that our Aspies NEED them more.
I think I'll sign off now.  Think about your goals, look for the reasons above the excuses, and remember to pick your battles and be kind to yourself.

xx Lauren

I would love to hear how you go with these ideas.  Please leave a comment or contact me to share your opinions or experiences, or to ask questions.  Let me know what you'd like to read more of or if you have an experience, perspective, or resource you'd like to share.