You need to use pegs

This might feel like a bit of a jump in the curriculum if you’ve been following my posts in order. This is a blog,  not a course.  The only rules are my own.  So there.  :P
I want to write this one while it’s still fresh in my mind.

A common problem for many ASD people is learned helplessness. Sometimes we might try to combat our kids issues by insisting that they can’t do some things or that it’s not worth the hassle to us to fight them to do it.   From this, their beliefs that they can’t or don’t have to do something just because they find it difficult, are reinforced.   This is where some tough love comes into play.
I STRONGLY advise picking your battles and go with baby steps while being aware of your child’s limits and abilities.  Their abilities not where you think they should be.

I’m going to tell you about the events that transpired at my house last Friday afternoon.
It was the end of the first week back at school for term 4.  After school ratbag had an appointment with his councillor. (He loves this because he has one on one undivided attention with an adult talking about himself.)
When we got home I told the kids that we have to tidy the house before dad gets home for Family Movie Night (capital letters because it's a name.  It's an event.).   I casually asked ratbag to hang out the laundry while I cleaned the kitchen.
Grunt grunt grumble whinge.
He took the basket out with a huff and a FINE!
Then he came back for coat hangers. 
"Mate,  you won’t need coat hangers when you hang themon the big line."
"I’m not going to the bin!  I’m hanging the clothes like you told me to!"
"On the big line, buddy. And don’t speak to me like that."
"I don’t want to hang it out there!  I can’t! I’m going to hang it on the little line."
This went back and forth for a little while until he yelled "FINE!"

I was holding my ground because I knew he could do it properly. He’s been shown many times now and I’ve seen him do it several times too.  But he’s become lazy and has realised that if he fights enough I am likely to give up and show him again.  Not going to fall for it this time.
He went around the back and come back a while later with an empty basket .
"How did you go bud?"
"Great!  It’s all done!"
"Am I going to think it’s done properly?"
"Yep.  But I didn’t use pegs."
"Buddy,  if a wind blows, everything will fall off and will need to be washed again. Please go back and make sure they’re all hanging flat with pegs on the seams."
Grumble grumble  grunt slam
He went back and came in again shortly after.
"Are you sure you’ve done it properly this time?"
"Yes.  Definitely. Maybe. I think so."
"OK.  I’m going to come and check now and you understand that if it’s not right you’ll be doing it again. Right?"
"Yep."
As I approached the line I could see clothes in balls a top the line with a single peg shoved on each.
"No.  Buddy,  no.  These are not going to dry well."
I explained again how and why we hang clothes the way we do. He knows this.  I am fully confident that he knows what is expected of him and how to accomplish the task.  So I’m not backing down.
At this point,  I could have taken over and let him go and find a screen to stare at.  That would be easier in this situation but I want to help him learn to overcome this can’t-do attitude as well as learn some basic life skills. Power through super special mum!

As I was pointing out flaws in his work he lost his shit.  Disappointing but not surprising. He ran inside and that’s when I lost my shit.  I’m human too. Super human is still human. Aspiedad just got home, indicating that it had been about an hour since this task started.

Ratbag ran to his room and up to his loft bed. I stomped down the hallway like a drunk elephant aimed at the minibar peanuts. I bellowed through the door “don’t you dare!  You have not finished your job and you are better than this. Get down here right now !!!!!!!!!!!”
He came down and I sent him back out.  I told him,  again what I expect and that he will not be coming back inside until the job is done.
He took this as a challenge and went out the back gate to come through the front door.  Looking mighty proud of himself.  At this stage,  Aspiedad had been filled in on the situation and took it upon himself to escort the little angel back to the line with the intention of directing step by step.   He was back in moments and Ratbag started kicking a ball around the deck.
You know it’s bad when my boy chooses physical activity over a task that would bring him indoors...  where there are screens.

I decided that I was not in the right state of mind to deal with him now and noticed the time meant that a close friend, BB (experienced with my little family), was due to finish work shortly.  I roped him in to helping.  BB arrived with reinforcements (beer) for himself “I think I’ll need this later" he said as he put it in the fridge and went to sit on the deck with Ratbag.

It was like that quiet time when the rain stops and you think you can make a run for it but you’re just not sure. Like,  maybe if I go now it’ll start pouring just when I’m too far from cover.
I waited,  occasionally peeking through the window.  It’s so hard to let go and hand over the reins. I knew it was my best move,  a change of circumstance (topic/person/scenery) often provides a catalyst for a change in mood.  But it was hard.  I wanted to deal with it myself. I’m Mum. But it is in my best interest and his,  that I am not his only support.  Since I have others to ask,  it is important that I do so. 
IT IS IMPORTANT TO ASK FOR HELP!
I saw the two of them get up and head to the line, but moments later Ratbag was on the trampoline and BB was standing beside it talking to him again.
Eventually,  BB came back inside. Ratbag had calmed down but was still not interested in doing his job.  Tag - I'm it.
I spoke to Ratbag.  I explained in simple facts,  always best to keep emotions to a minimum in these situations, that he is not coming inside until his job is done and he has two choices:
1. Go and do it himself
2. Ask mum,  dad,  or BB for guidance as he does it himself
He asked me for guidance.

FINALLY we get to step by step detailed instructions for how to hang a T-shirt on the washing line.

Spelt out like this,  it’s pretty obvious why we so often give in and just do everything ourselves. It’s so effing exhausting! And that’s with help! I have so much respect for those doing it alone,  but I do encourage you to open up to those around you and ask for help as much as possible, even if it’s just for a few minutes to give you a chance to catch your breath and jolt your Aspie into a new circumstance. Sometimes walking away and calling a friend, even while you're mid-meltdown, can help you to refocus.

In the end, the clothes were hung.  He brought them in when they were dry (at about 9:00pm). He did not get to join Family Movie Night.

The next day,  I asked him to hang a load of towels. 
Inhale and hold it, brace for the fallout, Mum!
I reiterated the expectations and the things I don’t want to revisit from the previous day. When he was done,  I went out to inspect his work.
“Hey! Ratbag!” I yelled as I came back inside. “Yes Mum?” he responded timidly.
“YOU DID IT!  PERFECT!!  FIRST TIME!!!  NO YELLING!!!! Woooooooooooo!!!!!!”
I did a daggy mum dance and made him dance with me.  He laughed and danced and highfived me.  “I thought you were about to be angry again.” He said.  I coaxed him in close so I could whisper “guess what?  Now I know you can do it.  And you know it too.”

I’ve made a point of telling anyone I can about his accomplishment, especially when he’s within earshot because I believe that the positive reinforcement is vital to the success of the lesson and exaggerating my feelings makes it easier for him to recognise them.
He is still so proud of himself that 4 days later he asked “are you going to write about this on your blog?”, “I was planning to. Is that OK with you?” I answered.
“oh yeah!”

It’s the little things that are the most frustrating but they can also be the most rewarding.