That's the plan

To plan or not to plan?

This is a tricky question.  How much prep work should we do for our kids to avoid a meltdown verses unhelpful anxiety?

The magic of routines and why you should and shouldn't use them.

Once again,  our special little creatures are not all alike,  what works for one mightn't work for another and what works today mightn't work tomorrow. And we just have to keep trying.

For me,  I need to have a balance between structure and freedom.  Not surprisingly, that seems to be true for most people in one fashion or another.  And,  yes,  I've found it to be true for Aspies also.

While most will agree that strict routines and structure help ward off meltdowns,  it makes it harder for the routine-reliant person or household to adapt to changes in said routine.  No matter how big or small.

Change is hard.  It can be excruciating for some. The reality is that everything changes and our Aspies need to be able to deal with that.

That being said,  never having a plan,  never knowing where you're going, who you will be with,  how long you'll be there etc etc,  would be a bit unsettling for most people so I wouldn't recommend throwing out the plans altogether!

As always, YOU have to be the detective and pay attention to your child (or big person 😉) and try to see what they need.

"Ooohhhh! So I just deal with it and do whatever my child needs?  That is so super helpful, Lauren. You are so wise and wonderful.  I don't know how I lived before this blog.  Now what was that emoji for sarcasm again?  🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸 RIIIIGHT. "

It's OK. I'm not going to just leave you with that. Though that would be mildly entertaining for me. How about some examples?

Exhibit A: Ratbag. Ratbag is a stickler for routines.  He likes things to be on time.  If the movie doesn't start at the allocated time,  or the train is late,  or we leave something in the oven for a minute more or less than the recipe called,  he gets agitated.
I work as an assistant for an allied health professional who is notoriously late and running overtime.  This drives Ratbag nuts.  He watches the clock and remarks with increasing concern how many minutes ago each patient should be seen.
He likes to know when and where and how of everything.  Let's call that "detail oriented", ya know - for the resume.
Like most kids,  mornings were a pain in the behind when ratbag was little. Trying to get him ready for school in a timely manner was just painful.
The key for Mr Details was,  of course, details!
I wrote a very detailed routine chart.  Several, in fact.  Morning,  after-school, bedtime, and free time.  Yep. Routine for free time.
I tried to write them with a bit of rhythm and specificity, because if it wasn't on the list it was like it didn't exist. If it was on the list it was a constitutional law.   Eg.

Wake up

Use the toilet & wash hands

Eat breakfast 

Wash hands & face

Brush teeth & hair 

Get dressed in school clothes 

Put on socks and shoes

Pack school bag 

If you are finished BEFORE 8:30am - Free time!

Seems simple enough right? It's not. It took several routines to get to this one.  What happens if I have "get up" instead of "wake up"?
He would wake up but not get up (because nothing on the list said WHEN to get up) so he would stay in bed all comfy and lazy ...and then wet the bed.  When I made the first step out of his control,  the very next thing was toileting. Washing hands is on the list because it HAS to be.
the next steps are in that order because getting dressed first resulted in wheet bix and toothpaste on every uniform.
School clothes HAS to be specified because "I AM dressed --- in pajamas."
I think "shoes and socks" sounds more natural than "socks and shoes" but my way leads to the process happening in the wrong order and we get socks stretched over the shoes. 
*This kid is an actual genius BTW.  Very high IQ. ....I know, right? *
You will notice that the only time on this chart is the marker for free time.  There has to be a marker or he expects free time before school no matter what time he finishes the routine. But there are not any others because if he doesn't run strictly to scheduled times he might have a meltdown - rage quit.
Phew. 

He memorized this routine.  Eventually he didn't need a physical copy any more.  Now he doesn't even do it in the same order because his needs and responsibilities have developed.  He still needs reminding most days,  but he doesn't argue with the when what and why any more because they are rules now.
Not perfect, but better.

Miss Froggie needs a completely different approach.  Too much detail overwhelms her and she can't cope.  We struggled with these detailed routines for her for ages before I realised that she is a different person and MIGHT need a different approach. LIGHTBULB!  I now give her bite sized chunks of information.  If she asks for more I will explain things, of course.  It's just that she processes better and can hold her attention longer if she only has a few simple steps.  The more troubled she seems the fewer words and instructions we use.  If she's stimming, or sooking, or appears sleepy or cranky, I would only use one simple instruction at a time "Shoes." is much more effective than "Honey, I need you to put your shoes on now please so we are ready to go before 8:30 and then you will have free time.".

This is a similar approach to a popular idea of "First-Then".  "First, Froggie puts her shoes on.  Then, she can watch TV.".  You might have heard this before from early intervention support (if you were lucky enough to get any) or elsewhere in the Aspie world.  It's a simple method and can be very helpful if you're still working out what sort of approach works in your family.

But routine isn't just about the cute and colourful list on the bedroom door.  It's LIFE.  If we went to a sushi bar after therapy one day, we MUST be going there the next time we have therapy.  If we stayed in room 7 on our holiday to the coast, it is expected that we stay in that same room the next time.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

I actually go out of my way to ensure we DON'T do the same thing every time. SOMETIMES we have sushi after therapy, sometimes hot chocolate, sometimes we go to a book shop or games shop, and SOMETIMES we DO go back to that great cafe for hot chocolate 'cause it was just so darn yummy.  Mixin' it up, keeping everyone on their toes!

If we DID go to a particular sushi place after every therapy visit, what might the reaction be if one day we don't have time for sushi, or we can't afford it, or they're closed? We'll they won't be happy, I can tell you that much!

When we go to a shopping centre, (oh isn't it fun shopping with aspies?! 🐸), I inevitably get the question "Where are we going?" (which shops) or "What do we need there?".  Many times I made the mistake of telling them which shops I planned to visit and what I planned to get while I was there.  This often resulted in frustration for them when I bought something else or changed my mind about the product I wanted.  Now I answer with something like"We need to go to X,Y, & Z, and I might like to have a look in some other shops if they look interesting to me.".  

So, yeah, it doesn't ward off sensory overload or boredom or hunger or any number of other reasons my kids (or husband, or friend) mightn't love a shopping trip, but it does help manage expectations.

Traditions are great. And it's fun to have predictable patterns - I know what we're having for breakfast Christmas morning, I know who will choose our next Family Movie Night feature.  Most families have a particular meal on a particular night, or are routine for Saturday mornings.  There is no reason to banish these at all.  I simply urge you to include wiggle room in your routines, big and small.  A little dose of whimsy, if you will.  A buffer zone for the plan.

I'd love to hear how you deal with the need for structure or not.  Leave me a comment below or shoot me an email to let me know!  I've got a bunch of ideas for posts floating around so please let me know what you're most interested to learn or have shared too!

xx Lauren